One of the most difficult problems faced by families today is finding out that a husband, wife, son, daughter, or another loved one has an addiction. Fallout from addictions can be devastating – the guilt, manipulation, broken relationships, and other consequences can be difficult challenges to face.
Your love for someone with an addiction can lead you to lie to protect them, give money to them that you can’t afford to part with, or panic when they call you in the middle of night. And even if you find it hard to like them anymore, you still care deeply for them despite what they have done to hurt you. Your hurt along with the pain you feel for them can be overwhelming.
Addressing the issues associated with an addiction is not an easy task. It often is a very long and excruciating path to walk before much progress is even visible. If you have been waiting and are still hoping for the guilt, anger, manipulation, and lying of the addicted person to stop immediately without intervention and changes, then you have probably been misguided. However, if you love them and want to truly help your addicted loved one, then here are a few ways you can change to better cope with the situation:
- Speak up. It is essential that you express your concerns to your loved one. Just make sure that you maintain a caring tone and you are patient with them. Being an addict changes the perceptions of others, hence you will need to be aware that you are not dealing with the same, sober-minded person you once knew. Speaking the truth in gentleness is a vital way to show your love.
- Do not make excuses. Be upfront with the addicted instead of either hiding your feelings or being afraid to hurt their feelings. Rather than enabling them to continue in addiction, be kind yet firm and provide accountability.
- Take care of yourself. While it can be taxing to be around an addict, you need to confide in close friends to find a healthier space for your mind. This will help you to keep yourself from drowning in the same misery as many addicts experience. Seek help from people or resources that can and will support you as you are honest with them.
- Focus on priorities. Your addicted loved one needs help. It is best not to argue or fight with an addict for self-serving reasons. Remember to stay on neutral ground and to encourage them to get help for themselves. Although the addicted person seeking and receiving help for an addiction benefits you, your priority is not simply for your relief but for their well-being first.
- Do not blame yourself. Allow the addicted loved one to take responsibility on their own. Many people with addicted loved ones blame themselves for contributing to the addictive behaviors. While it might be true that you have indirectly or even unknowingly aided the addict’s choices for addictive pleasures, keep in mind that an addict’s situation has most often and ultimately been created by them. Your role now is to support them in making the changes that they need to make.
- Remember that you cannot control the situation. You do not have the power to change them or their heart’s desires. In your support role, help them through the process of change without enabling them to be irresponsible. Encourage, love, and support without taking on too much responsibility that is not yours to accept.
There is hope for addiction for both the addicted and their family members. Dr. Mark E. Shaw, a leader in the addiction field specializing in the spiritual approach to helping the hurting, has created curriculum, courses, and published materials that provide direction, practical help, and real hope.
As a licensed and ordained minister, a certified addictions counselor, a certified nouthetic counselor, frequent public speaker, published author, and seminary instructor, Dr. Shaw is the founder and president of The Addiction Connection. A network of counselors, programs, and churches with a gentle and genuine approach to addiction offer help for the addicted and their family members.
Dr. Shaw developed a 12 week curriculum for family members called “Family Help for Addiction: A Care Group Study.” This study is meant to be conducted in small groups either in homes, libraries, churches, or other community centers. Not only does the family member receive solid teaching, but the care group design offers the supportive network of others often in the same predicament.
The Addiction Connection also offers training for anyone who desires to assist the addicted and their families in a spiritual approach to addiction. As a 501c-3 non-profit ministry, The Addiction Connection has trained thousands of willing persons in the past ten years of operation. Providing churches with essential tools to start addiction counseling ministries, Dr. Shaw and his team at The Addiction Connection continue to serve hurting and hardened persons with the hope that comes from a faith-filled life.
Using Dr. Shaw’s “Next Steps: Be Transformed” curriculum, counselors in The Addiction Connection network address an individual’s needs by tailoring their approach to addiction in consideration of a person’s unique circumstances. Grounded in truth, counselors use targeted counseling. When your loved one is addicted, there are steps you can take now that will enable you to find peace that will simultaneously help your addicted loved one.
